MARITAL BEDDING

Snippet of conversation from dinner time in our home:

Me: Well I stripped the bed today to wash the sheets, and I was about to remake it and I thought I'd better discuss it with you first...
Husband: Discuss WHAT?!?!
Me: Well, I was thinking I'd take the winter blanket off, but then I couldn't decide, flannelette sheets, or normal sheets??
Husband: ... Maybe normal sheets?



To me this most mundane of business is really the bread and butter of how we live our lives together. I know my husband is going to be too hot before me (he's also, mysteriously, too cold before me? I think he's just one of those sensitive people who feels the changes most acutely!) so when I ask him which sheets he wants I am expressing my love for him, instead of imposing my will for how things ought to be. If we're going to share the same bed let's agree on what sheets we both want, before we try to work out anything more serious!

It's this gentle dance of respecting the shared space of our lives which must be done to keep harmony. My husband is relieved not to have to take part in the decisions on what we will eat every single night, however every so often he will say "You know what you haven't made in a while??" My husband takes me out for lunch every Sunday. I am so pleased not to have to prepare a meal that I don't really mind where we go, but out of courtesy he always asks where I'd like to go!

Some people call it give and take, others speak of balance, but those things really point to the idea that we are tilting in one spouse's favour at every turn. So many little decisions must be made in a marriage and it is all too easy to keep a score sheet and feel "But I let you have your way the last three times, it is my turn!" if it is simply about balance.

Often it just happens that one person has the idea and the other follows, but if we are to follow in a loving manner, we shouldn't allow our spouse to feel that we are begrudging them our acceptance. Similarly the party that is asking for something shouldn't desire the other person to feel compromised. It might be just a mental leap to learn to say "I'll do it for us" instead of "I'll do it for you". Congratulate your spouse when they have a good idea, and congratulate yourself for recognising it, and helping make it a reality. 

We should be striving for unity, rather that feeling that we're always giving in to the demands of the other. True unity is in the decisions where we don't worry about whose idea it was but where the decision will take us. Will we go together? Will it drag us apart?

Respect the Union.


We went with the "normal" sheets, by the way. I'm relieved to be rid of the wool blanket, but I'm still having problems deciding on pyjamas every night! :)

MY FIRST BABY - Breast is Best

That's right. I'm going there. Let it never be said that I shy away from controversy!!

Here's the thing; when you have a baby you never believe it's going to be as hard as people tell you it will be. It doesn't matter how many times you hear it, or how much social media whines on about the burden of parenthood, you always think "Well these people MUST be doing it wrong, it can't possibly be that hard or surely people would STOP DOING IT!!"

This is what I think happens with breastfeeding too. Almost every mother has a horror story to tell about their breastfeeding experience, but we never listen and take notes as if there's a possibility of it happening to us.

And then someone hands us a baby and we try to get our dinner plate-sized nipple into their keyhole-sized mouth, that keeps opening and shutting like it's some kind of fairground challenge... And we have what Oprah likes to call an AHA moment. This is NOT going to be as easy as I thought. Even if we sort-of believed what people were telling us before, this is where the realisation really begins to dawn.

And then we get injured. We tell ourselves it doesn't matter if this feed hurts, we'll just get baby filled up and we'll get the latch right on the next one. And, like taking a cricket ball to the nuts (it sounds bad, right?) you can't possibly appreciate the misery of a nipple injury until it happens to you. You'll be in a crowded cafe, biting down on your lip so you don't start swearing like a sailor, one solitary tear squeezing out and plopping into your coffee, your brain madly flipping through all the breastfeeding related images your mind has stored up looking for inspiration or clues, and discovering that most of the breastfeeding women in your mind are half-naked black people, who don't even have a smartphone, and how come they can do it and I can't......

Here's my advice; you need help. You need to learn good technique as quickly as possible because the misery is trying to get it right, once you've got an injury from doing it wrong. Don't be too proud to buzz the midwife before EVERY SINGLE FEED to check your latch. Trust me, they'll understand, they'll be on your side for getting it sorted. If you WANT to breastfeed, in my humble opinion, you should be permitted to stay in hospital until you have it sorted. Obviously that's a "perfect world" scenario, and not every hospital can afford to keep you on for that long. It needs to be acknowledged that breastfeeding is a SKILL. Some people have a better musical ear than others, but there must be a tiny tiny tiny minority that can pick up a violin and play it without any training! Remember learning to read? Me neither, but you did. There was a time when you couldn't read and now you can, but it's unlikely you taught yourself. Practice makes perfect, and you do sort of need to get it perfect, or you're going to get hurt.

If you're in pain, you need intervention. You're probably not going to be able to solve "pain" on your own because, and I know this is going to sound absurd, in your muddled head it's not always going to be clear what is causing the pain. You need help from people with the qualifications to help you. A lactation consultant (and many midwives have the training and not the certificate) can do wonders for helping you get your latch right, and a paediatrician can check your baby for tongue-tie and reassure you that they're gaining weight etc. Both of these can also offer you support and a pat on the back for what they know, in their wealth of experience, is not an easy skill to master.

If you have an injury, and you don't fix your latch, things are NOT going to improve. Indeed, things will get WORSE. If you have an injury, and you fix your latch, the bit you injured IS going to heal. And then it is NOT going to get injured again. The pain WILL stop, IF you get HELP.

In my opinion, perseverance is worth it. I say that as a lazy mama who couldn't be arsed with all the bottle-washing and sterilising unless her nipples literally fell off. The number of times that an older child has been sick, and the baby has had only a tiny dose (if anything at all) of that illness, I cannot count. We now know from scientific research all the health benefits that our ancient ancestors must have sensed as they fed their babes, it seems like some sort of miracle potion to ensure baby gets a magical start in life! It's incredibly gratifying watching your bubba pork up like a little Michelin Man and knowing that you poured every drop of that goodness into them. And the bond forged by skin-to-skin contact, and carefree timelessness spent with your babe, is priceless. It's worth all the backache, neckache, blistered nipples, blocked ducts, cabbage scented bras, everything. In my humble opinion!

What you also NEED - more than a great bra, great absorbent (reusable!) breastpads, feeding pillows or fancy gadgetry - is support. You need your husband to be in your corner telling you what a great job you are doing. OF EVERYTHING! But particularly with the feeding, because it's ALL YOU. He can change nappies, and bounce the kid when he won't settle, and even learn to swaddle him and put him down for sleeps... But only you can BREASTfeed the kid. And this pressure should be acknowledged by the person providing the other half of the DNA. 

The support of your friends, the ones whose opinions really matter to you, also wouldn't go astray. You need your best friends to say "You're amazing, and you make all the right decisions!" whatever you decide. Whether you keep slogging away at breastfeeding, or you give your child a bottle, what needs to be reflected back from those who love you is that they know you're not a quitter, you haven't quit on your baby, their health, their future, you make a decision which protects you all - your mental health is QUITE as important as your physical health.

Finally I would say to have realistic goals. Tell yourself you'll get through today, or even the next hour. Don't stare hopelessly at your bleeding nipples and your screaming hungry newborn baby and tell yourself you have to get through another 18 months of THIS. Babies grow and change, and so does our ability to cope with what they throw at us, whether that's for better or for worse. For some women sticking with breastfeeding, making it past the six week milestone, or whenever it gets easier and they suddenly hit their groove and feel a great sense of achievement, and validation for not changing to formula. For some women choosing to stop breastfeeding gives them lightness in their step, they can finally deal with the sleepless nights and the screaming and everything, because the pressure is off. It just depends on you, which one would you be? I don't think there are really many mums who regret their decision to stop whenever they did, nor should there be, because you should be 100% invested in and supported in your wisdom about what is right for your child and what is right FOR YOU. And I think that's what the decision to stop often comes down to. Your child is going to be absolutely fine if you choose to go to formula, so they're not the problem. Are YOU going to be fine? Are YOU going to feel like a hero or a failure? And is that because of what other people think, or what you believe?

I respect that for some people the pressure that motherhood puts their mental health can create a real risk for them and their child. For some mothers this pressure is exacerbated by what feels like "life and death" pressure to provide the sole source of nourishment for their child. For some mothers not getting a full night's sleep, makes them totally and completely, even suicidally miserable. And those mothers have my deepest empathy. Some people's strong decision is to keep going, for others it's in letting go. We have all had dark days, we are all in it together. There are no medals at the end, for those of us who do it over those of us who didn't. Get the help you need to deal with your OWN feelings, don't push those feelings out into the world as a judgement of other people and whether they have it easier than you.

One FINAL final note; If you make the decision to stop breastfeeding, without a paediatrician's direct command to do so or else your child is in danger of PERISHING, don't tell anyone else they're so LUCKY that it worked for them. The numbers for how many mothers are physically incapable of breastfeeding, versus the number who formula feed, do not add up equally - many mothers who are physically capable of feeding choose not to. I happily console a woman who has no breasts, or whose breasts never produced so much as a drop of milk... I don't want to hear the story of how you gave your child a few bottles in their second week so you could get 12 hours of shut-eye and your milk MYSTERIOUSLY dried up! That is NOT a shock, or a heart-wrenching tale of struggle. 

If you haven't had your baby yet, get educated and find out exactly how to make breastfeeding a success, rather than just trusting it will all come easy. Start with the Australian Breastfeeding Association who have consultants all over Australia who will sit down and talk you through it woman-to-woman. In fact, take your husband too, so he'll know how much you're pouring into it.

HOW DO YOU RATE YOUR KIDS' BEHAVIOUR?

And I really do mean HOW? 

Is it case by case?

Is it an average?

Is it their "best behaviour" behaviour?

A number out of ten? Poor, average, excellent... ?

And what factors do you take into account when assessing you child's behaviour?

I think before we become parents we rate individual kids against our "Experience of Kids". If all the kids we've ever known were little angels, then a child who is even slightly stroppy convinces us that those parents must be clueless! When we meet with truly obnoxious children we recalibrate everything we know about kids, and everyone moves up a peg to make room for those kids at the bottom of the ladder!!

In our cluelessness, we might fail to take into account the company or the environment. In my experience children are most confident and relaxed in their own home. They become less so when there are other people visiting, depending on how well they know the visitors, and yet less again in unfamiliar territory, eg. other peoples' homes or public spaces. In an unfamiliar setting they will assess the adult's capability to deal before exhibiting testing behaviour, gently pressing forward to see where the boundaries with other people lie.

But they can only hang back in this way if they understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. They can only activate self-discipline if they have had discipline. Only the child who is reprimanded for jumping on the couch at home can stop himself from jumping on someone else's couch. If your child is jumping on someone else's couch, they don't know it's wrong, because you haven't told them, and then kept telling them, repeatedly, monotonously, until they understand, and stop... Or they don't care. Which is worse?

I think as parents we might fall into one of two camps:

We are aware that apart from the occasional anomaly, what we are witnessing from other people's kids, especially when we first meet them, is usually their "best behaviour", eg. the behaviour that they know for sure won't get them in trouble with their parents. Their best behaviour is shaped by their parents' expectations for their average behaviour. And so we weigh our kid's best behaviour against their kid's best behaviour. If their kid is always screaming, crying, pleading (and probably getting his own way) we reason that this is what he is used to, that is why he does it in public. If their kid races straight over and starts shattering our kids' toys, well....

The only hope you have of keeping them in check in public, is that they are used to not running amok at home. I can't help but pity children whose parents don't have the energy or courage to correct them at home. Those parents make the overall experience of child-rearing miserable for themselves, bowing to the will of these tiny tyrants. And they seem to forget that they make their child intolerable to everyone else. It seems unfair on the child to find themselves in the position where everyone's charity toward them is damaged because of the parents' failure to step up and enforce the law.  Has their experience of children in general been shaped in such a way that allows for total obnoxiousness as a normal state? Have they expended all of their energies on lesser things and so find themselves without the will to discipline their child? Do they think that this is the job of society, school or daycare, to whip their child into shape?

Smart parents weigh their child's day-to-day behaviour against the best we know they are capable of (taking into account all the usual variables of course, hungry, tired, hot/cold...) and we expect a certain standard of behaviour at home. And because our child is used to limitations they are able to more easily accept limitations when they are even more necessary. We expect more and better of our children each passing week, rather than just more of the same.

As a bonus, those parents who lay down a standard of behaviour are also better able to see when certain things are out of step with their child's usual temperament. We often know (or can see in immediate hindsight) when our child is coming down with an illness because of a marked change in their behaviour. How do parents of children who communicate only through screaming and whining ever know when their child is sick, or truly upset?? Our children's behaviour can educate us, if we are prepared to lay down the groundwork. It is one of my deep fears for these children, should some real tragedy befall them, how are they expected to cope then?

THE STORIES WE TELL OUR CHILDREN - JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

So. 


I've been listening to a lot of kids' audiobooks lately (I have to catch myself because I always go to say "stories on tape", which is of course showing my age!) and I've heard the story of "Jack and the Beanstalk" about fifteen times in a month. A couple of weeks ago the Gospel in Mass was the parable of the unjust steward, which finishes with the line "For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light."

I never quite got this story, I think as a child I couldn't wrap my head around it, because the Master, who has dismissed his servant without notice, commends him on his shrewd action even though he has defrauded him. It seems injustice is piled upon injustice, but the servant still wins approval in the end. As it is with many firstborn children, my main aim in life was to win the approval of my parents and others, and so I think I assumed that Jesus was also approving what the servant had done. The clue is the Master's unjust dismissal of the servant; God is a just ruler, so unlike many other parables, in this parable the Master is not supposed to represent God. The Master is a master of this world, drunk on his own power, which is also why the Master eventually praises the deceitfulness of his steward. 

Anyway, this is all very well, but what has this to do with Jack??

Well. Jack and his Mother are poor, starving, and desperate. Jack takes the cow, the only asset they have (which suddenly becomes a liability when she stops producing milk) and goes to sell her to scrape together enough money to feed themselves. There seems to be a devastating lack of foresight here; once the money from selling the cow is gone HOW are they planning to feed themselves THEN? One wonders, is it the effect of a brain that is not adequately nourished to behave in a reckless manner?

Jack comes home with a handful of beans (hunger impairing brain function?) but as so often happens when one makes a leap of faith, a magical beanstalk springs up in the garden! The starving boy climbs the beanstalk and comes home with a bag of cash. Hurrah! Jack and his mother are saved... At least for tonight. Short term gain, buys short term security. The hungry brain can only really be expected to think as far as their immediate needs. However, once Jack has experienced a full belly for a time, he unsurprisingly decides that's not enough.

So up he goes again, and this time he comes back with the hen that lays the golden eggs. Jack's mother speaks prophetically, "We'll never go hungry again!" Once we are accustomed to comfort, we seek security. Once he is no longer starving to death Jack is able to consider his future, and plan accordingly, so symbolically the next thing he takes is a source of passive income.

Finally, with their future needs provided for, Jack becomes simply an opportunist. Jack's final visit to the Giant's house sees him take for himself a total luxury, the magic harp. Finally, having reached security Jack sees there must be more to this world than simply having your bodily needs provided for, there is art, beauty, and perhaps one day, dare we hope, truth? But Jack has pushed his luck once too often, and of course the Giant comes after him. And we all know how the story ends; the Giant tumbles to his death, Jack is the victor who lives out his days in comfort and security. Naturally we pity Jack, a hungry child, and fear and loathe the Giant, who is big and scary and consumes little boys for breakfast!! Consequently children finish the story in no confusion that Jack was right to steal, because the good guys always prevail in our story, and because Jack is left standing at the end he must be GOOD.

However if we compare this story to the unjust steward, we can see maybe all is not as it seems.

We can see how hunger might blind someone, how those struggling under the weight of poverty might not have access to so-called simple solutions. Even if they could somehow arrange to have a bull service their cow, Jack and his mother don't have time to wait for her to calve again, they need food now. No matter how good a cow she is, she's never going to be able to compensate for the fact that they have no investments or assets, and no skills to fall back on. They also face the extreme risks associated with her being their only source of income, the length of her lactation is a finite resource. Why don't they have two cows, people say, that would be more sensible than relying on one! Heck, why don't they have a whole herd of cows, that makes more sense than two! And a few sheep too, why rely on just cows?? Well maybe keeping cows was all they'd ever known, maybe they did have more cows and they couldn't afford to feed them, maybe they don't have enough land to keep more than one cow... The unjust steward has spent a lifetime in loyal devotion, so when that loyalty is not rewarded by the protection of his master he too must act in a drastic manner to look after himself, and indeed only himself.

Both tales demonstrate how we justify our own sins when they are done to those we consider less than human, those who are different to us, those who don't appear to care about us, those who have more than us... After all, will the Giant really miss one of so many sacks of gold? What right has he to hold onto that wealth when others are starving? If we were in any doubt about his character he threatens to "grind his bones to make my bread!" I don't doubt that Jack was probably "a nice boy", I mean, in desperate times he was going out to sell the family cow, not steal from the next door neighbours. But it's easy to justify a crime against someone who would perpetrate the same crime on us. Similarly, when he is turned out by his master, the unjust steward wastes no time, repaying betrayal with betrayal is simple logic, especially when his master has so much and he has nothing.

In Jack's case the path of "small" sins, leads swiftly to much much bigger ones. We ought to keep this in mind then, when examining the links between poverty and crime. When one crosses the line of crime as a matter of necessity, particularly in his youth while his morality is still being formed, one has already consoled the conscience when it comes to future crimes. Desperation is a poor educator for conscience.

It could be argued too that it is this desperation that fosters Jack's eventual greed. We've heard of children rescued from dangerous home environments, found to be hoarding food in their bedrooms in foster homes because of a scarcity mentality. Scarcity mentality forces not only the poor into crime, but also helps those of us who are resource-rich to justify our lack of generosity. After all the end of the story says Jack and his mother never went hungry again, it doesn't say Jack and his mother set up an independent foundation to help feed all the hungry in their village. And the unjust steward only seeks to set himself up in comfort, he doesn't rally and unionise the other workers so none of them will suffer the same fate.

As you've probably guessed by now, Jack is not my favourite character, he's certainly not a role model for young men! But there is one small fact of redemption for him; Jack's first crime at least is unpremeditated. Jack's hand is forced by his starvation, he can see no further than his next meal. Jack should have paid attention at school... But what if he was so hungry he couldn't focus? What if he was so busy cutting wood to keep warm he forgot to do his homework? What if he was so devastated by his father's death that he was too depressed to study? The unjust steward is backed into a corner, he justifies himself that he has nothing to fall back on, no time to learn a new skill, and too much pride to beg. 

Essentially each is story about looking out for Number One. It's a story of fear-mongering about what the evil-overlords, all corrupted by power, might do to ME. We cannot trust anyone to care for us, so we must do whatever it takes to look after ourselves. After all, it is simple logic that if we all look after ourselves we will all be fine. What goes unexamined here is that we can busy ourselves so much with our own needs that we fail to see how our actions will impact on others. When our only concern is ME, we don't even have to justify it to ourselves that the authorities are traitors, or that those poorer than us aren't trying hard enough, any action is justified by the fact that it is in my interest.

Habitual selfishness is in some instances fostered by desperation, and in some instances the cause of our desperation. After all, Jack and his mother seem marooned together in poverty with no way out, no neighbours or relatives to call on to pull together and help them. The unjust steward also was alone in the world. His main concern was to pull together enough wealth to see him out in comfort. Why did neither have family or community to support them? Was it perhaps the constant turning inward toward themselves, that stopped them looking outward and upward to God to provide for them? Did this stop them finding the source of love, so they had no love for others? 

It seems that, yes, even in desperate times, God calls us to look outward instead of turning inward. I suppose this is why I didn't understand the story as a child, it didn't occur to me that the Master could be anything but good, or that the Giant could be anything but bad. And it didn't occur to me that the main characters might not be supposed to be role models, even if everything worked out in their favour at the end.

And it didn't occur to me to examine the story of Jack and the Beanstalk as anything more than an entertaining little story. We need to be careful about what we are feeding into our children's minds, because the lessons are likely to stick for longer than we realise. Children ask a lot of questions, but only in order to understand our reality, not to challenge that reality. We need to provide them with resources and opportunities that support their ability to learn right from wrong. If we present them with only selfish, subjective stories about how immoral actions can sometimes be justified, they will never develop any courage...And they're going to need courage.

MY LAPTOP CHARGER BROKE

It was a whole big thing. I don't want to talk about it. I'll post properly again soon!!

A POST OF GRATITUDE

Sometimes we forget in what privileged circumstances we live. 

Watching the burning pyre of Grenfell this week made me feel very blessed indeed. We should never hope to narrowly escape these tragedies, or sigh in relief, as in doing so we say it's ok for it to happen to someone else, just not us, or anyone we know. But sometimes when these terrible things happen I am reminded of my blessings. That I am blessed to live in a community where if one house burned down in a freak fire it would likely do so alone, without taking with it the homes of 800 neighbours. That I have a good landlord who makes sure I live in a safe dwelling. That our financial circumstances haven't backed us into the corner that most of the residents of Grenfell must have felt trapped in.

So I thought today I would just count up a few ordinary blessings to share with you all:

1. I am grateful that my husband cleans the kitchen after dinner each night, and that he does a far better job EVERY evening than I have done in years. What a difference it makes to my mental state to walk in and see a clean slate once the children are all tucked up in their beds!! I would have thought the novelty would wear off, but it is always a wonderful gift every night, and every following morning, to walk into a kitchen that is ready to go again.

2. I am grateful for people who don't remind me about things I promised to do, that I have forgotten to do. Or people who pretend to have forgotten themselves! These people at the very least do not exacerbate my embarrassment when I finally remember! 

3. I am grateful for the opportunity, and the ability, to help other people. It's very easy to get caught up in scarcity mentality, and to think we don't have resources or time to do more than we currently do. Sometimes a little creativity is all that is needed to see how to make our time or resources pay us back more than they already do.

4. I am grateful for the health of my children. How much easier days are when they are boisterous, than when they are quietly languishing, and vomiting all over every available surface. It's so easy to forget to be grateful for this, until they get sick again and we realise how much we've taken health for granted.

5. I am grateful for my family's guardian angels. I see the intervention in our family all the time, from a narrow escape, an unexpected windfall, a whisper or an intuition to do something to avert disaster. I have had the opportunity in recent weeks to see what happens when I don't listen to these promptings, and when I do, and to fully appreciate this gift.

6. I am grateful for pleasant surprises; for a text message out of the blue, a compliment from even the very briefest of acquaintances, a gift I had no right to expect, and indeed the gift of unexpectedly meeting another beautiful human being. What a gift it is to find there are plenty of wonderful people on the planet, and we are only just scratching the surface with all the good people in our little corner of the world.

7. I am grateful for healing. Several weeks ago I had an unfortunate incident with a kitchen knife, and to see today how my body has knit itself back together is nothing short of a miracle. To remember past injuries, physical and emotional, and how they have now been repaired should remind us all that very little is ever completely destroyed. And to remember that a small effort on our part might be rewarded far beyond our small expectations. 

HOW THE SUPERMARKET GAVE ME MY LIFE BACK

A couple of weeks ago I received a special offer in my inbox from one of the big supermarket chains: 

Spend $140 each week, for two weeks, and receive 6000 bonus points. Essentially, a $30 reward for spending $280.

Now, before we go anywhere with this I want to say from the get go, that I was already planning to spend this amount, probably more, on groceries within that time period. This didn't require me to spend more money than I was planning to, nor to buy things I wouldn't use. THOSE offers are never worth it.

The challenge of this offer for me was to make two big trips, instead of 13 small trips. I usually try to do one BIG SHOP per fortnight, but always end up ducking to the supermarket for something I've forgotten every second day, if not every day! And I consider myself pretty organised, I meal plan, I write extensive shopping lists, but for some reason I still have to make multiple trips each week. Confession: Sometimes each day. Eek!

Which would be fine... Except when I was forced to make two trips I realised how much TIME (as well as money) I had been SPENDING at the supermarket. And it wasn't just time spent IN the supermarket, when you have to take three small children with you it's time spent getting ready, buckling everyone into the car, and out, and in, and out, organising what order to buckle everyone in and out so no one gets run over, but no one has a meltdown, manoeuvring a trolley that's carrying an extra 35kg, fielding comments about your lifestyle choices, sigh.

Just picking up a few things, even just milk, could really equate to an hour's work all things considered, and we only live around the corner from the supermarket! (see the problem??) Making time for that hour around sleeps, feeds, changes and meals, wondering how every member of the party is going to cope with leaving the home environment, and getting home to find you're still missing a key ingredient for tonight's dinner, is actually ridiculously stressful. Well, it is for ME anyway.

Being incentivised to reduce my trips forced me to get organised in a way that the pain and inconvenience of making multiple trips never had. And when I saw the difference to my peace of mind, it helped motivate me to try to achieve the same in the following week. 

And it didn't hurt that about three weeks later they sent me the same offer asking me to spend $145 for each transaction, forcing me to rise to the challenge again!

So thanks ye supermarket gods for giving me my life back!! What a blessed relief!

PS. If you too receive these offers in your inbox on the regular and always think "hmm, I dunno if I will remember to do that..." ALWAYS ACTIVATE THE OFFER!!! It's annoying to get to the supermarket and realise your phone is at home on the charger and it's too late to turn back and accept the offer, especially if it's one where you're probably going to spend the amount required anyway. Activate the offer as soon as you get it, there's no penalty if you forget to spend the money.

ASK AND YOU SHALL...

I don't know if you are like me in this regard, but after the third sign I have to act. Some thing good might happen and I might try to dismiss it. So if a message is for me, sometimes it really has to be hammered home before I get the hint! Of course I'm a woman, so events that are connected in my brain might seem completely unrelated to someone else!

*** 

I made a pact with myself at the start of the year, one I still break with inexplicable regularity, and that was to ACCEPT HELP. It can be so difficult when we feel we have things under control, to let someone help us. It feels indulgent to let someone carry something for you when you have two perfectly good arms, and we assume if we always say yes when people offer to help us they will eventually stop! But here's the thing; people who offer to help DO actually want to help, or at the very least they DON'T MIND doing the thing they've offered to do. 

You can tell yourself you don't need help, you've no RIGHT to the help they've offered. But if I, as a mother of three small children, turn down a stranger's offer to take my trolley back to the corral (when actually that would be a very helpful thing for them to do, and would help me get on the road faster!) then the NEXT time they see ANOTHER mother struggling they will think "Remember what happened last time?" And if it wasn't a positive or rewarding experience they won't bother to help someone else. By not accepting the offer, you DEPRIVE someone else of help!! Think of that!!

AND if you don't learn to accept help when you DON'T need it, people won't offer when you DO. 

However, what I've witnessed in the last couple of weeks is people actually ASKING for help. And in those moments, which I have just happened to be standing in the right spot to witness, I really saw the beautiful side of what the human animal is capable of. 

When I say "asking for help" I don't mean "Can you hold this for a sec?" type help, I mean actually asking for a favour. Asking for something that was against the normal rules. Asking for something that they had no RIGHT to ask.

Yet in every event the favour was granted.

I think that's because the person being asked was able to see the vulnerability of the person asking. They saw that that person KNEW they had no RIGHT to what they asked for, but they were asking anyway. And though they knew that it was against the rule, they saw that it was within their power to break the rule.

Have you ever asked anyone to break a rule for you? Since having children I seem to do it all the time, most commonly asking "Can we use your toilet?" I hate asking people to make an exception for me, I hate being late to an appointment because of "the children". I get grumpy when people offer to help me, because I assume they're ONLY offering because they think there's going to be a CRISIS if they don't!

But I do NEED help, I am not an island. And I think if you don't ask, you might find yourself surrounded by people who would like to be able to ease your burden, but are too overwhelmed to know where to start. 

So, if you've been putting off asking for something, try it. Ask for what you need and let people love you. Ever so humbly ask someone to break a rule for you. 

MY THIRD BABY - Go the F*** to Sleep

You're a parent of a tiny baby, you're tired... Sorry? Oh alright, exhausted!!! You had no idea how bad it would feel to not sleep a full night for three months straight. Everything is suffering, you haven't got the energy to think about food so your system is running on coffee and sugar, you haven't got the energy to clean properly so your home environment is depressingly grimy, you haven't got the energy to be polite to your spouse...

You want some sleep! You're both tired of the same totalitarian regime of total unpredictability day after day, night after night. There must be something you can DO! There definitely is! Here I'm going to cover the main ways I help support my babies to learn to sleep through the night. This is not a formulaic approach. There is no a+b+c = sleeping baby! There are other books that make that claim, I have used a collection of resources to form an approach that works for me. 


Settle in people, this one is long-winded, and there's gonna be some self-justification.


The first one is that because you can't explain in words to your baby what you want them to do you need to communicate it to them through their senses. In fact, our own environment contains one of the most important cues, darkness. Night time should be dark, and daytime almost dazzlingly bright! Make sure your baby gets plenty of (indirect) sunshine and fresh air during the day, and then keep the nights dark and quiet and cosy. Baby will begin to get the idea because he cannot ignore the signs. Even a sleeping baby is absorbing the light and having the requisite bodily reactions when he is sleeping in the light. Get out and about during the day, make daytime life a hive of activity, so that by contrast night will be incredibly boring and sleep-inducing.

Once again, babies seem to come with an inbuilt fear that every time they're left alone they're in danger of being carried off by ravenous wolves. It's fair enough, I suppose, but it doesn't always make them pleasant to be around. Your job, if I may be so bold, is to show them that they won't. I think to some extent it's about balance. Baby wants to be near you (he's been INSIDE you for most of his life so far!) but he will also eventually have to accept that you have set the conditions for him to be fairly safe while you're out of the room. 

Babies will generally relax once they've had their quota of "in arms" time, so strap them in a baby carrier and take them along with you wherever you go! To a baby your day to day life is something akin to you watching a deeply engaging and exciting film; everything they experience when toted along with you, the smell of dinner cooking on the stove, the sound of siblings fighting, the sight of their father's smiling face, are all educational experiences. He is learning about his environment all from the safety of a high perch, close to Mum or Dad. I have found this to be especially true in the evenings, and that sometimes my baby was content to be worn while I cooked dinner, rather than needing to cluster-feed at this time. As someone who always "crammed" for exams, this also rings true for trying to catch up on in-arms time that bub might feel they missed out on during the day.

Having said all that, it's pretty easy for baby to be overstimulated, particularly by being passed around, having to learn a lot of new faces, voices, smells, and this can make it as difficult for them to sleep as a lack of stimulation. Having a mild hearing disability myself (which also means I don't wake up to my child's every snuffle or squeak all night long!) this is something I really sympathise with. I love a big social gathering but when I get home I find myself excessively worn out, even if I haven't really done anything energetic, simply from the effort of processing all the information with my faulty equipment. Don't let every guest at a party insist on having a hold, and don't expect baby to be the same after a busy day out as he is after a boring day at home. Plan for balance for up days and down days, noisy time and quiet time. When you observe your baby you will see him learning to anticipate playtime or sleep time. You will see that after a busy day out and about one day, he almost demands a quiet day in for the next day. 

Parents always establish some sort of routine for their child that indicates sleep is coming, and our baby learns to rely on these cues. I think we are best to take control of this routine so that we can go through the motions and know we have done all the things our baby associates with sleep. This way when baby is sick, or something is genuinely wrong, we will know because in spite of the usual routine baby is still not settling. If you have no normal, you will be hard-pressed to notice when something is wrong. I believe very strongly in bedtime cues; a story, a song, a process of kissing everyone goodnight, a "primer" that tells baby bedtime is coming. It's just courtesy.

I'm also a big believer in the "comforter" ie. small soft toys that are only used at sleep times. I have had two babies born "late", who are both thumb suckers and "found" their thumbs from a very young age, and one baby born early, not coordinated enough to find his thumb and I swear he was more trouble than the other two to teach to sleep because he had such difficulty comforting himself! I swear by the "comforter" because it gives you some control over how baby puts himself to sleep. You hand tired baby his comforter and he suddenly relaxes, his eyelids droop and off he goes! I start this as soon after birth as possible, though the effect might not take hold for a couple of months the foundation is laid for the association to take place. I carry their comfort object around in my bra for a couple of days (Hilarious when you forget, and leave the house with a bunny poking out of your cleavage. Not that I've ever done that.) so that it carries your comforting "boob smell" and then start putting it in the cot with baby, near his face, when he goes to bed. (Note: not over his face obviously. If you look up "baby comforter" you will see what I mean and why this is not a SIDS risk.)

Singing to your baby the same song every night might help him to know it is time for sleep, but it might also help you to feel calm as you put him down in confident anticipation that he will now drop sweetly off to sleep. Singing forces you to regulate your breathing, which helps drop your heart rate, and baby will read these signals that everything is ok. I really do think that teaching your baby to sleep (heck, teaching anyone anything!) has a lot to do with confidence. You have to believe that they can learn to sleep. If you never expect them to do it, they will know. I believe that babies can learn to sleep through the night by three months with no trauma. I believe this because I have seen it in action. I have deliberately and wilfully ignored my child to sleep, and proceeded to sleep blissfully myself, and I think I have quite a prickly conscience generally speaking.

Some parents are happy to feed or rock their child to sleep, and have that be their child's routine for sleep. (With some babies feeding them to sleep is the only option because they keep falling asleep while you feed them!) I prefer to offer them comfort in the form of a soft toy because this is more sustainable for me in the long run. My almost four year old is still using the same comfort object that he did at six months, I was not willing to continue to breastfeed him to sleep beyond babyhood (I am also not keen to establish links between food and comfort that could set a debilitating lifelong pattern in a child's mind... But that's a whole 'nother post!!) and he quickly grew out of this anyway and then needed to be bounced to sleep. For SOME people it DOES work, and THEY are HAPPY to do this "long term", and THEIR child weans organically when THEY are ready, and it is NEVER a problem for THEM. Bully for them, I am not that patient.

Most importantly of all, you must learn to pause. You must learn not to rush in as soon as baby makes a noise. Give him a minute, or two, or ten. How serious is he about getting your attention do you think? Is he crying flat out, or only in short bursts? Does he sound frantic, or just angry? And even then, can you give it just one minute more? I now have three children, so I simply cannot always drop what I am doing and rush to the bedside of every forlorn whimper baby utters! 

The hardest part is teaching them to self-settle, and yes I will admit there is always some "crying" involved in my experience, but once it's done, it's done. And I feel like once it's done there's a lot less crying in general; baby won't cry because he's tired, he'll just put himself to sleep. There's a lot that babies can't do for themselves, they literally cannot find their own food, or change their own nappies, but they CAN learn to sleep. Even if some people think it's barbaric to insist that they do, they CAN. And, as the wonderful Maria Montessori says, "Never do for the child what he can do for himself." The best advice I can repeat comes from a dear friend who is a mother of seven, who says "put him down when he's tired, making sure he is fed, clean, warm, etc, then go hang the washing on the line." Don't sit there listening to him settle, make and drink a cup of tea, and THEN listen. I make little deals with myself, and my husband, "Lets give it two more minutes" or "If he's still crying at the next ad break I'll go get him." This might make me sound like a monster to some people... But I'm a well-rested monster!

Many of us rush in to resettle, justifying ourselves that we want to get him back to sleep before he is really awake... However in doing this we don't give him a chance to find out for himself that he is fine. The goal (and you must keep the goal in mind) in any "sleep training" process is not just for the child to settle himself at bedtime, it is that once he learns to settle on his own at bedtime he will be able to put himself back to sleep whenever he wakes in the night. All of us sleep in waves of deep and light sleep, however tiny babies (and my husband) tend to jolt themselves awake when they go into light sleep. Helping them learn to put themselves to sleep in the first place is also helping them learn to ride those waves so that when they are tired they can fix the problem without our help! Once they master that initial settle they will stop waking at that dreaded 40 minute mark, or two hour mark, they will just cruise over that wave into the next wave. Once they "get" it, they will only wake when they're hungry or dirty or sick or for whatever genuine reason. When they DON'T "get" it, they are essentially waking up because they're tired!!! ARGH! Have you had the experience of being tired and unable to sleep?? It's infuriating!!

A final thing to consider, with all things baby, is how well do you sleep? Do you (as a lifelong pattern, before the rigors of pregnancy and parenthood set in) find it hard to relax into sleep? Do you wake for no reason? Do you sleep deeply and wake feeling rested? Do you sleep fitfully and wake feeling like crap? Are there things you can do to support or improve your own sleep? Have you resigned yourself to always being a bad sleeper? I ask you to ask yourself these sorts of questions because I really think our children learn our beliefs through what we show them. If they can see that sleep is not a value for us, they will have less priority for it too.

My original reason to finally bite the bullet and DO something about getting my eldest to learn to self-settle (aside from selfishly wanting him to DIY so I could do something else with my life, instead of bouncing on an exercise ball for hours every day) was that I realised that while he was awake he was reacting to stimulus, but he wasn't learning. In order to learn, his brain needed sleep to organise and store what he had been exposed to over the course of the day, AND he needed sleep to have the energy to do it all tomorrow. I saw lots of other babies sleeping through the majority of nights, and not looking like the pale, listless, dejected little lambs I was expecting subject to this torture when I read the anti-crying literature that I took on so readily BEFORE I had the baby. 

The pressure I put on myself to be everything to my child was not sustainable, and I'm not just talking about the prospect of tandem breastfeeding three children under four who all needed to be rocked to sleep every two hours throughout the night... I mean just day to day, face to face, with ONE baby. Getting enough rest allowed me to be a much kinder gentler mother, and closer to the image I had had in mind of me, serenely rocking my child to sleep... Than the truth of needing to rock my child for every sleep and feeling resentful of the baby I had so lovingly prepared for. When he learned to self-settle (at 4.5 months, after four days of sleep-training, and after two weeks he was reliably sleeping through the night, and in fact the first time he slept through the night was in his portacot, not even his familiar comfy bed!) my whole world opened up again. I was excited to see him in the morning! He woke up with a huge grin on his face, and I could see he was grateful (in his own baby way) to finally be empowered to put himself to sleep when he needed to.

Isn't that what this parenthood game is all about?



And for goodness sake, FORGIVE yourself if you get it wrong! If baby doesn't settle after twenty minutes of "just five minutes more" deals, or you decide to relent and go get him only to find he's got himself into some sort of awkward predicament in the cot bars, just untangle him and rest assured he'll never know unless you decide to tell him! Failure is inevitable as a parent, there's always tomorrow to start again. Your child will forgive you, what right have you to hold it against yourself if they won't??

CHICKEN KORMA PIE

This year I made this for the feast of St. Joseph, The Worker - March 19th. Hence the "JMJ"

***

I apologise, sometimes I feel like I'm just thinking out loud on this blog (at best) and other times I worry I'm preaching (worst!) how to live your life according to me... Me, who does NOT have it figured out. Ask anyone who knows me, they know. If they don't... They will soon!

But if I'm gonna preach, I'll always try to preach truth, and the truth is you HAVE to make this. You have to make it just cos I've made the effort of editing the recipe, so you get my version, rather than the flawed original that I made and had to rework to this perfection!

That said, I make this once (maybe twice) a year, it is a bit of an effort! It's worth it, but it's also maintained the status of a feast in our home. I've been making it annually for 8 years now! At a certain point of the year we pour a deep red wine, the leaves begin to fall, there's woodsmoke in the air of an evening, and then my husband turns to me and says "You know what you should make...?" 

I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.



CHICKEN KORMA PIE

3 chicken thighs
1 leek, white part sliced
2 garlic cloves, 1 sliced, 1 crushed
4cm piece ginger, 3cm sliced, 1cm grated
1 bay leaf
50g unsalted butter
2 sheets frozen shortcrust pastry, thawed (I make my own)
1 sheet frozen puff pastry, thawed
1 onion, finely chopped
3 tbs korma (or other mild) curry paste
1 tsp ground cumin
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
1/4 cup (35g) plain flour
150ml coconut cream
150g green beans, halved1 large parsnip, halved length ways, sliced fairly thin
1/2 cup chopped fresh coriander
1 egg, lightly beaten

Place the chicken in a big saucepan with the leeks, sliced garlic, sliced ginger, bay leaves and 1 tsp sea salt flakes. Cover with water and bring to the boil. Cover, then reduce the heat to low and simmer for 40 minutes or until chicken is cooked. Lift chicken onto a plate, reserving stock, and allow to cool.

Line and grease a large springform cake tin. Use the shortcrust pastry to make the pie shell (If I have them on hand I usually sprinkle a couple of tablespoons of breadcrumbs in the bottom as an insurance against a soggy bottom.)

For the filling, strain the stock, discarding the vegetables, and return to the saucepan. Boil rapidly over high heat for 15-20 minutes until reduced by about two-thirds. Set aside.

Melt the butter in a large saucepan over medium-low heat. Add the onion and cook gently, stirring, until soft but not browned. Add crushed garlic, grated ginger, curry paste, cumin and cayenne pepper and cook for a further 1-2 minutes, stirring, until fragrant. Stir in the flour and cook for 1 minute, then gradually whisk in stock and coconut cream, then add veg. Increase heat to medium and bring to the boil, then reduce heat and simmer til veg is just off cooked, stirring regularly.

Chop the meat into small chunks, stir into the sauce with the coriander, and season with salt and pepper. Transfer to a large shallow dish and chill for 20-30 minutes until the mixture has cooled completely.

Spoon mixture into pie case leaving about 1cm at the top. Brush the inside edge of the case with beaten egg and press the sheet of puff pastry in on top, press to seal around the edge and then cut off the excess. I then roll the edge down, with the shortcrust over the puff pastry, and press the pastries together all around with a fork. Decorate top with leaves etc cut from the leftover puff pastry if desired, poke some holes for the steam to escape, then brush with a little of the beaten egg. Chill for 30 minutes - this will keep the pastry from shrinking.

Preheat oven to 200 degrees celsius. Bake for 40-60 minutes until the pastry is crisp and golden and the filling is bubbling hot. Served with steamed greens and a nice crisp beer, one last Summer Ale before the cold sets in!

FUNK - The Update

I tried to take a step back this week, I knew there was more to my problem than just not being on top of the housework.

Between 9-11 while E sleeps I can really get the kitchen up to scratch, put some washing on and out, and get a lot of the "must-do" stuff done in this time. And by "must-do" I do mean MUST. I MUST clear the kitchen if I'm to have bench space and clean dishes to make the next meal, I MUST do washing if we are to have clothes to wear. I am patting myself on the back this week cos why the bathrooms are still not done, I am actually on top of the must-do stuff 93% of the time.

If I set the kids to work on some colouring or whatever during this time, something contained where they don't move from the dinner table, then they will let me do pretty much whatever, PROVIDED they can see me. They are currently letting me drink coffee and tap away at my computer at the moment while they do their colouring (Full Disclosure: They have not stopped talking to me and asking me questions, but they are doing their own work not trying to climb onto me and see what I'm doing.) I can't however leave them here and go clean the bathroom, unless I want them screaming down the other end of the house for me. (NB: I do not!)

One issue I have identified this week is that whilst I expect the children to entertain each other, or to be able to entertain them with the same things (and they CAN) they are actually at quite different stages (and don't get me started on different personalities!) Because of this they respond to the same tasks differently. B is quite on the ball, but his attention span is pretty short. He can use lots of the same things X does, he LIKES to be thought as grown up as his big brother, but he can't seem to focus for as long, even as long as I feel X did at the same age. Which creates a problem when B gets sick of something, but X is still interested. B doesn't want to go do something different on his own, but it doesn't seem fair to constantly disrupt X if he is deeply engaged in what he's doing. And I can't go and engage with B on my own, while X continues the original task, cos neither will stand for one having me all to himself while the other is awake!!

I find myself in the middle of a problem which cannot actually be "solved", having limited opportunities to sell, or in other ways dispose of, any of the children. And whilst you'd expect that to put me into a tailspin of despair... It's actually been a total relief. I've been able to place some of the problem rightly outside myself and realise that it's not all just me, my failure to entertain them, my short-temper, exhaustion, frustration, not having enough friends, not having an enclosed yard, giving the kids too many options, too few... It's just a season, based on who they are and where they're up to.

A friend who is right at the end of a particularly exhausting pregnancy, was kind enough to say to me this week that lacking the mental energy to get things done is just as valid as lacking the physical energy. And I tried to dismiss her on this, saying no I was simply too lazy, until I had a moment of revelation as the kids played with playdough*. One thing that stresses me out is activities where there is the potential for destruction, playdough, colouring, painting, letting the kids out of my sight... I worry so much about cleaning up the mess. But then, I spend a lot of my day cleaning up mess anyway. And why do I do this job, if it's not to be here to bear witness to the mess of it all? I have chosen this life, I have never felt I was "trapped", it's really given me a chance to start shifting my perspective onto why I insist on doing things the way I do and wonder; is it giving my children the start in life that I dreamed of, or that I hope they will remember? 

Coming up to Mothers' Day it is easy to focus on how much we have sacrificed, certainly this is what a lot of the advertising plays into: "Mum has given up so much for you, say thanks this weekend..." But my perspective has really shifted this week. I am so grateful for my children, but I do hope that one day they will be grateful to have had their mother at home in these formative years. I hope that one day they will reflect not on how much I gave up to do this job, but upon some memories of me enjoying it. They evidently do not care at all if the house is a pigsty, in fact judging on how much time they spend trying to transform it, one might conclude they actually prefer to live in a bombsite!  

This week I had another shift in perspective as I realised how much each of the children has grown in the last six months. My eldest is so big, he is really too big for the pram anymore. I had to make a quick trip into town to do a job, and I was beginning to be frustrated with myself for choosing this particular moment to trial letting my eldest walk, which would inevitably slow us down. As I buckled my littlest baby into the pram, and set off with the eldest trotting along by my side, I was finally able to hear what he's been trying to tell me from the front of the pram. He was so thrilled to be by my side, to have such responsibility, to be able to tell me all about the things we were seeing. I realised that I was always rushing to get things done, so I was always missing out on deep engagement with my kids. I evidently didn't care either about not getting the bathrooms done, I cared about not enjoying my days, and the possibility that that was what my children would remember. 

I thanked God for the moment. My child loves to be with me, what a gift. I could not help but be charmed by him in this moment, and to regret how many such moments I have missed, worrying about less important things.

There is never a good time to slow down, slowing down always means seeing things passing you by. I have been watching the signs instead of "driving to the conditions".

*and if you allow your kids access to playdough you deserve a medal as far as I'm concerned, so I'm calling this week a win purely on that score, and trust me, so are the kids!

THE STORIES WE TELL OUR CHILDREN - CINDERELLA

I think, I hope, if you know me, you know how much I love a good story. I really do pride myself on holding the audience's attention, mimicking the voice or mannerism of a character, modifying my timing, a dramatic pause... And occasionally, very occasionally, just gently massaging the truth...! If you know someone who spins a great yarn it's not a trick, or a bit of luck, but a skill and a great gift. Now that I have children I really enjoy reading with them, and I think perhaps a little too deeply about the messages I want them to hear. I really do consider myself curator of my children's library!



Having listened to a version of Cinderella this week as a kids'* audiobook, my English-teacher/sociologist** brain went into overdrive! I found myself musing on each little twist of the tale, which I had never before considered as a carefully crafted sequence. Cinderella has been much maligned in feminist theory (as have pretty much all "princess" stories) because to them the poor girl appears completely forlorn, waiting around for a bloke to save her. However none of the aspersions cast has done anything to dim our fascination if the Disney-franchising-and-merchandising-machine can be relied upon, and I think Cinderella might have some important lessons to teach us. This story, which enchants girls of all ages, who ALWAYS identify with Cinderella (not the Ugly Stepsisters, or the Stepmother, or the Fairy Godmother...) why does it endure? 

My Daughter, may you always identify with Cinderella, with the most beautiful of them all. May you always revile cruelty, and true ugliness, which is the ugliness of character.

Cinderella's beauty is repeatedly mentioned, not just a genetic gift, but as a reflection of her virtuousness. She might have been just a pretty girl, but the storyteller is always quick to point out the greater value; her kindness, which radiates out to make her fine features more attractive. Cinderella suffers much at the hands of her stepfamily not because of the physical labour, but because of the offence to her generosity. But she never lowers herself to their level, rather their unkindness forces her to strive for new heights of goodness, rising above their evil treatment day after day. New versions say she does this to fulfil her promise to her mother, but in the older version her mother implores her to be virtuous for God's protection.

Here is where your beauty lies, oh Daughter, in always rising above the evil around you. Evil always attacks goodness, but true goodness is always good, no matter the circumstances. It has faith that justice will be served.

Cinderella is deprived of all that is rightfully hers and promises made to her are broken. The stepmother sets impossible tasks that Cinderella might earn a night at the Ball, and is enraged when she finds these things have given her hope, when they ought to have caused her to despair! The Fairy Godmother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and magically transforms Cinderella's circumstances beyond her wildest dreams! I wouldn't like to infer that patience and generosity always pay off, but Cinderella's "reward" for her patience, even when all hope seemed completely lost, is more than she could possibly have imagined. A coach from a pumpkin? A mouse for a footman? A shoe made of glass? It is almost ridiculous, truly sublime.

Eye has not seen, nor ear heard... the treasures the Lord has in store for those who love Him, oh Daughter! God is good, He sees you in your troubles, never lose hope, or give in to despair. 

The Prince, we assume, has received a comprehensive education and training for Court life, but Cinderella? One sees no indication that she might have had an opportunity to study the manners and customs of the gentry, and yet the only way she stands out among the rest is by just how well she fits in!! Her skill however is is not in fitting in, but that she epitomises all the virtues they hold dear. Her beauty, grace, modesty, all radiate outward. The mysterious princess captures the attention of not just the Prince, but all at Court. He can't take his eyes off her, but it seems that neither can anyone else, everyone she meets is in love with her.  

Dear Daughter, you need never worry about being accepted in different company, just be a light in darkness, those who love light and truth will love you.

Cinderella and the Prince dance the night away, he dances only with her. Once again we see that Cinderella is able to cover her lack of training with virtue. To play her part well the female in a dancing pair need not have so much training, but rather she must put her trust in the lead of the male. Is this how she captivated the attention of the Prince? Is this how she stood out among the rest, who sought the Prince for their own gains?

My darling Daughter, when you practice being kind even to your enemies, you will find it easy to follow the lead of those who love you. You can inspire love by your trust.

Cinderella is one of the lucky ones in that she doesn't have to kiss any frogs to find her Prince! The Prince's virtue is on public record; he is in training to be King, he has spent a lifetime preparing for leadership, and therefore she may trust that he is good, and his intentions honourable. He will live his life in the light for all to see and follow, and he will encourage her to do the same. Knowing this, she shows him what a wonderful partner she will make. She shows him grace and modesty, and she does not hide her feelings. 


My wonderful Daughter, never be coy, never be dishonest, if you are to love you must do so whole-heartedly. 

The hours roll swiftly by, enjoying blissful carefree timelessness with the charming Prince, when suddenly she is stirred to her senses by the clanging of the bell for Midnight. The image of the beautiful dress that turns to rags, the dignified footmen to mere creatures and the coach to a pumpkin, spoiling any lingering chance of getting home safely... Yes certainly the embarrassment of this picture would be motivation enough to race home, but why does the package come with this caveat? Well, who among us having seen our local watering hole at midnight, could argue the danger of those dark hours after midnight? Note the Fairy Godmother does not talk her through the danger, she protects her by keeping her out of harm's way in the first instance.

Dear Daughter, I do not wish to frighten you or betray your innocence by painting the full picture of the world's ugliness, I seek to protect you when I tell you how much more precious than jewels you are. 

The lost slipper provides the Prince the opportunity to pursue his beloved, to feel as if he has won the prize. It provides him a taste of her life, of almost-lost hope. And it gives them both gratitude for the other when they are reunited. Cinderella is able to see her worth reflected in his unceasing quest to find her and bring her home.

My sweet darling Daughter, watch what happens when your beloved is tested. Almost everyone has a lovely time at the Ball, when you see him struggle, you will see who he truly is.

And it provides every other woman in the kingdom the chance to prove that they are all WRONG for him! It seems utterly ridiculous to me that EVERY woman is dishonest enough to try on the shoe!! The Prince surely learns through his meetings with these others, what a rare jewel Cinderella is! Let us hope that when we recognise we are not Cinderella to a certain Prince, we may be sensible enough to let him go!! 

Dear Daughter, no opportunity will ever pass you by, what's yours is yours, never worry that you will miss out. 



There is a reason why these tales endure, it is not just that a bit of magic captures the imagination, it is that every generation feels it has something to teach the one previous. We tell the same stories over and over, not out of monotony but to teach and learn. We cheer when we see Cinderella waving to the throng of her subjects from the castle balcony, as the newly married princess, because her struggle resonates with us. We too aspire, against all odds, to reach the Castle one day.





*It is worth noting that there are many versions of the story, and the new versions are far less gruesome than the original, where the stepsisters cut off parts of their feet at the stepmother's bidding to fit into the shoes, and have their eyes pecked out at the end as punishment for their cruelty. The comments above are based on the newer versions, though the old ones I'm sure are filled with even MORE interesting symbolism!
**It's also worth noting I am just a lay Catholic, an ex-English teacher, with a sociology minor, and a mum with a sweet 8 month old daughter, NOT a theologian.