Full English

I wouldn't dare to try to explain how to cook a Full English Breakfast. For me it's always about hovering by the stove in my pyjamas, a cup of strong coffee, quick hands, hot plates and a warm oven that's recently been used to quickly warm some pre-breakfast croissants. And the rule is; there ain't no rules! I do things in the order from longest cooking to shortest, eggs right at the end because I like them runny. Everything (except the beans) is cooked one after the other in the one pan and stashed in the oven as it's done. Here's your ingredients list:

Sausages - Whatever you like, from cheap supermarket ones to fancy gourmet ones. Whatever you buy, give them a little twist in the middle and voila! Chipolatas!

Bacon - Or prosciutto. England has the best, fattiest, tastiest bacon. The stuff they call "streaky" bacon here is not a patch on England's common-or-garden supermarket bacon. Believe me.

Black Pudding - I know, I know, but in small doses...

Heinz Beans - As Alan Davies says, "Why can't all beans be like Heinz beans?"

Mushrooms - Let them absorb the fat from all the meat, and add a little butter for good measure. Try to get something with a bit of flavour, like Swiss brown.

Eggs - Free range obviously, preferably from your own flock.

Toast - Wholegrain. In a shop they'd give you white, but I rarely have it at home. Besides you can feel a bit virtuous when you have wholegrain bread with all this excess.

Serve with a glass of bubbly and a come hither smile...