MY THIRD BABY - The Sponge Baby

A baby is best thought of as emotional sponge, in the sense that if you're stressed out; "Why won't he sleep? Why won't he eat? Why is he STILL CRYING???" Your baby KNOWS because he ABSORBS that tension. And what your baby thinks (if we can just sort of suspend reality for a moment) is; "Why is my chief protector and bottle washer so upset??? Is my life in danger?? That's the only reason I can think of to be upset! Oh no! I'm in trouble!! Oh I don't feel good now!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

It is also why, when he's crying, and you're stressed out about why he's crying, he doesn't stop crying. Even if you can find nothing significantly wrong with him, apart from the crying.

The baby absorbs whatever energy the person holding them is experiencing. This is why he cries when handed to his uncle, who hasn't held a baby in years and didn't want to hold him anyway and forgets exactly how to do it... But he drops peacefully off to sleep in seconds in the arms of sweet old Granny, who knows without a doubt that every baby she's ever held has calmed down seconds after her picking them up. 

It doesn't really matter that baby doesn't speak English yet (and it doesn't matter how long it takes them to learn to speak) they have a failsafe method of telling you who they like and who they don't, which is to fuss a little, or scream bloody murder, depending on the person and situation. I'm of the belief that if your child is telling you that they're not happy being held by someone who is essentially a stranger to them, then you will build their trust by respecting their wishes and taking them back. No offence to the other person, but there's a biological reason why a new baby wants to be held by Mum, and until you can convince them otherwise, have a bit of respect for their tiny world and do as they ask.

I've noticed too that sometimes the higher the stakes, the more stressed the person holding him is going to be. Sometimes Grandma or Poppy are so keen to make a good impression, that a totally relaxed baby senses all that anxiety and demands to be returned to his rightful owner. Similarly, when Mum hands him to the lady next door in desperation, baby immediately relaxes cos the lady next door knows her only job is to hold the baby so Mum doesn't do anything regrettable. She has no stake in whether baby calms down or not cos all her energy is focused on protecting Mum.

The solution to all of this bad energy (especially when you're on your own and you can't simply hand the baby off to someone else for a turn) is to let him wring all those bad feelings out of his sponge, onto your sponge, and you can then gently release them using whatever relaxation technique works best for you. Every time you feel yourself getting tense, just take a moment to imagine that transfer; he's getting rid of his bad energy, you're absorbing it and releasing it, so he can absorb your nice calm energy. 

My favourite relaxation techniques in these situations include taking a deep breath and blowing it out as slowly as humanly possible, or addressing all my muscles (in my mind) to see where I'm holding tension then clenching that muscle as tightly as possible, then releasing. Some people use visualisation, imagining a waterfall (or a calm baby??) This is also where singing, humming, rocking or bouncing are also good strategies because these rhythmic, outward focussed activities help to calm YOU down, so baby can absorb your calm. I swear sometimes these techniques work from across the room. Practice them while you're pregnant so you can use them in labour, then keep using them all the time to prepare you for the toddler and teenage years!

A quick addendum, if it even needs mentioning, that the above reference to "strangers" does not include Dads. Baby has heard Daddy's voice all throughout the pregnancy, and Dad has to learn to hold and settle the baby. Within reason, obviously Dad shouldn't be left to try and settle a ravenous breastfed baby. He can and should be learning all the settling techniques that Mum is up at night Googling, and respecting that Mum might have milk, but she doesn't have superpowers. Most of her settling prowess has been hard-won through trial and error. Sometimes Dad will need to hold or deal with the screaming baby so mum can have a shower, or take a breath of fresh air, and I think that is totally fine. Baby can scream all he likes in the loving arms of someone he knows*.

Of course there's also a biological reason why a baby's cry is so stressful to listen to. In the rare event that there is something seriously wrong with baby, I reckon he will let you know. In my experience, if his temperature is fine and his breathing is fine, then chances are he's probably just stressed. Or "teething", whatever that means. And yes he might be stressed because he's hot or cold or windy or whatever, but none of these situations will be helped by your worrying about it. However all of these situations will be GREATLY improved by you maintaining a calm demeanour so that you can make good decisions about the action you take.



*Reserving the right that no matter how much anyone loves their baby, they must always be free to put them down if they feel that either of them is in danger. Baby will be perfectly safe in his cot or playpen while Mum or Dad boils the kettle for a cup of tea and recollects their composure. If you are getting angry, DO NOT just soldier on. I'm very firmly opposed to the idea that a baby will suffer more from screaming than he will from being held by someone who wants to scream.