Between 9-11 while E sleeps I can really get the kitchen up to scratch, put some washing on and out, and get a lot of the "must-do" stuff done in this time. And by "must-do" I do mean MUST. I MUST clear the kitchen if I'm to have bench space and clean dishes to make the next meal, I MUST do washing if we are to have clothes to wear. I am patting myself on the back this week cos why the bathrooms are still not done, I am actually on top of the must-do stuff 93% of the time.
If I set the kids to work on some colouring or whatever during this time, something contained where they don't move from the dinner table, then they will let me do pretty much whatever, PROVIDED they can see me. They are currently letting me drink coffee and tap away at my computer at the moment while they do their colouring (Full Disclosure: They have not stopped talking to me and asking me questions, but they are doing their own work not trying to climb onto me and see what I'm doing.) I can't however leave them here and go clean the bathroom, unless I want them screaming down the other end of the house for me. (NB: I do not!)
One issue I have identified this week is that whilst I expect the children to entertain each other, or to be able to entertain them with the same things (and they CAN) they are actually at quite different stages (and don't get me started on different personalities!) Because of this they respond to the same tasks differently. B is quite on the ball, but his attention span is pretty short. He can use lots of the same things X does, he LIKES to be thought as grown up as his big brother, but he can't seem to focus for as long, even as long as I feel X did at the same age. Which creates a problem when B gets sick of something, but X is still interested. B doesn't want to go do something different on his own, but it doesn't seem fair to constantly disrupt X if he is deeply engaged in what he's doing. And I can't go and engage with B on my own, while X continues the original task, cos neither will stand for one having me all to himself while the other is awake!!
I find myself in the middle of a problem which cannot actually be "solved", having limited opportunities to sell, or in other ways dispose of, any of the children. And whilst you'd expect that to put me into a tailspin of despair... It's actually been a total relief. I've been able to place some of the problem rightly outside myself and realise that it's not all just me, my failure to entertain them, my short-temper, exhaustion, frustration, not having enough friends, not having an enclosed yard, giving the kids too many options, too few... It's just a season, based on who they are and where they're up to.
A friend who is right at the end of a particularly exhausting pregnancy, was kind enough to say to me this week that lacking the mental energy to get things done is just as valid as lacking the physical energy. And I tried to dismiss her on this, saying no I was simply too lazy, until I had a moment of revelation as the kids played with playdough*. One thing that stresses me out is activities where there is the potential for destruction, playdough, colouring, painting, letting the kids out of my sight... I worry so much about cleaning up the mess. But then, I spend a lot of my day cleaning up mess anyway. And why do I do this job, if it's not to be here to bear witness to the mess of it all? I have chosen this life, I have never felt I was "trapped", it's really given me a chance to start shifting my perspective onto why I insist on doing things the way I do and wonder; is it giving my children the start in life that I dreamed of, or that I hope they will remember?
Coming up to Mothers' Day it is easy to focus on how much we have sacrificed, certainly this is what a lot of the advertising plays into: "Mum has given up so much for you, say thanks this weekend..." But my perspective has really shifted this week. I am so grateful for my children, but I do hope that one day they will be grateful to have had their mother at home in these formative years. I hope that one day they will reflect not on how much I gave up to do this job, but upon some memories of me enjoying it. They evidently do not care at all if the house is a pigsty, in fact judging on how much time they spend trying to transform it, one might conclude they actually prefer to live in a bombsite!
This week I had another shift in perspective as I realised how much each of the children has grown in the last six months. My eldest is so big, he is really too big for the pram anymore. I had to make a quick trip into town to do a job, and I was beginning to be frustrated with myself for choosing this particular moment to trial letting my eldest walk, which would inevitably slow us down. As I buckled my littlest baby into the pram, and set off with the eldest trotting along by my side, I was finally able to hear what he's been trying to tell me from the front of the pram. He was so thrilled to be by my side, to have such responsibility, to be able to tell me all about the things we were seeing. I realised that I was always rushing to get things done, so I was always missing out on deep engagement with my kids. I evidently didn't care either about not getting the bathrooms done, I cared about not enjoying my days, and the possibility that that was what my children would remember.
I thanked God for the moment. My child loves to be with me, what a gift. I could not help but be charmed by him in this moment, and to regret how many such moments I have missed, worrying about less important things.
There is never a good time to slow down, slowing down always means seeing things passing you by. I have been watching the signs instead of "driving to the conditions".
*and if you allow your kids access to playdough you deserve a medal as far as I'm concerned, so I'm calling this week a win purely on that score, and trust me, so are the kids!
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