MARITAL BEDDING

Snippet of conversation from dinner time in our home:

Me: Well I stripped the bed today to wash the sheets, and I was about to remake it and I thought I'd better discuss it with you first...
Husband: Discuss WHAT?!?!
Me: Well, I was thinking I'd take the winter blanket off, but then I couldn't decide, flannelette sheets, or normal sheets??
Husband: ... Maybe normal sheets?



To me this most mundane of business is really the bread and butter of how we live our lives together. I know my husband is going to be too hot before me (he's also, mysteriously, too cold before me? I think he's just one of those sensitive people who feels the changes most acutely!) so when I ask him which sheets he wants I am expressing my love for him, instead of imposing my will for how things ought to be. If we're going to share the same bed let's agree on what sheets we both want, before we try to work out anything more serious!

It's this gentle dance of respecting the shared space of our lives which must be done to keep harmony. My husband is relieved not to have to take part in the decisions on what we will eat every single night, however every so often he will say "You know what you haven't made in a while??" My husband takes me out for lunch every Sunday. I am so pleased not to have to prepare a meal that I don't really mind where we go, but out of courtesy he always asks where I'd like to go!

Some people call it give and take, others speak of balance, but those things really point to the idea that we are tilting in one spouse's favour at every turn. So many little decisions must be made in a marriage and it is all too easy to keep a score sheet and feel "But I let you have your way the last three times, it is my turn!" if it is simply about balance.

Often it just happens that one person has the idea and the other follows, but if we are to follow in a loving manner, we shouldn't allow our spouse to feel that we are begrudging them our acceptance. Similarly the party that is asking for something shouldn't desire the other person to feel compromised. It might be just a mental leap to learn to say "I'll do it for us" instead of "I'll do it for you". Congratulate your spouse when they have a good idea, and congratulate yourself for recognising it, and helping make it a reality. 

We should be striving for unity, rather that feeling that we're always giving in to the demands of the other. True unity is in the decisions where we don't worry about whose idea it was but where the decision will take us. Will we go together? Will it drag us apart?

Respect the Union.


We went with the "normal" sheets, by the way. I'm relieved to be rid of the wool blanket, but I'm still having problems deciding on pyjamas every night! :)

MY FIRST BABY - Breast is Best

That's right. I'm going there. Let it never be said that I shy away from controversy!!

Here's the thing; when you have a baby you never believe it's going to be as hard as people tell you it will be. It doesn't matter how many times you hear it, or how much social media whines on about the burden of parenthood, you always think "Well these people MUST be doing it wrong, it can't possibly be that hard or surely people would STOP DOING IT!!"

This is what I think happens with breastfeeding too. Almost every mother has a horror story to tell about their breastfeeding experience, but we never listen and take notes as if there's a possibility of it happening to us.

And then someone hands us a baby and we try to get our dinner plate-sized nipple into their keyhole-sized mouth, that keeps opening and shutting like it's some kind of fairground challenge... And we have what Oprah likes to call an AHA moment. This is NOT going to be as easy as I thought. Even if we sort-of believed what people were telling us before, this is where the realisation really begins to dawn.

And then we get injured. We tell ourselves it doesn't matter if this feed hurts, we'll just get baby filled up and we'll get the latch right on the next one. And, like taking a cricket ball to the nuts (it sounds bad, right?) you can't possibly appreciate the misery of a nipple injury until it happens to you. You'll be in a crowded cafe, biting down on your lip so you don't start swearing like a sailor, one solitary tear squeezing out and plopping into your coffee, your brain madly flipping through all the breastfeeding related images your mind has stored up looking for inspiration or clues, and discovering that most of the breastfeeding women in your mind are half-naked black people, who don't even have a smartphone, and how come they can do it and I can't......

Here's my advice; you need help. You need to learn good technique as quickly as possible because the misery is trying to get it right, once you've got an injury from doing it wrong. Don't be too proud to buzz the midwife before EVERY SINGLE FEED to check your latch. Trust me, they'll understand, they'll be on your side for getting it sorted. If you WANT to breastfeed, in my humble opinion, you should be permitted to stay in hospital until you have it sorted. Obviously that's a "perfect world" scenario, and not every hospital can afford to keep you on for that long. It needs to be acknowledged that breastfeeding is a SKILL. Some people have a better musical ear than others, but there must be a tiny tiny tiny minority that can pick up a violin and play it without any training! Remember learning to read? Me neither, but you did. There was a time when you couldn't read and now you can, but it's unlikely you taught yourself. Practice makes perfect, and you do sort of need to get it perfect, or you're going to get hurt.

If you're in pain, you need intervention. You're probably not going to be able to solve "pain" on your own because, and I know this is going to sound absurd, in your muddled head it's not always going to be clear what is causing the pain. You need help from people with the qualifications to help you. A lactation consultant (and many midwives have the training and not the certificate) can do wonders for helping you get your latch right, and a paediatrician can check your baby for tongue-tie and reassure you that they're gaining weight etc. Both of these can also offer you support and a pat on the back for what they know, in their wealth of experience, is not an easy skill to master.

If you have an injury, and you don't fix your latch, things are NOT going to improve. Indeed, things will get WORSE. If you have an injury, and you fix your latch, the bit you injured IS going to heal. And then it is NOT going to get injured again. The pain WILL stop, IF you get HELP.

In my opinion, perseverance is worth it. I say that as a lazy mama who couldn't be arsed with all the bottle-washing and sterilising unless her nipples literally fell off. The number of times that an older child has been sick, and the baby has had only a tiny dose (if anything at all) of that illness, I cannot count. We now know from scientific research all the health benefits that our ancient ancestors must have sensed as they fed their babes, it seems like some sort of miracle potion to ensure baby gets a magical start in life! It's incredibly gratifying watching your bubba pork up like a little Michelin Man and knowing that you poured every drop of that goodness into them. And the bond forged by skin-to-skin contact, and carefree timelessness spent with your babe, is priceless. It's worth all the backache, neckache, blistered nipples, blocked ducts, cabbage scented bras, everything. In my humble opinion!

What you also NEED - more than a great bra, great absorbent (reusable!) breastpads, feeding pillows or fancy gadgetry - is support. You need your husband to be in your corner telling you what a great job you are doing. OF EVERYTHING! But particularly with the feeding, because it's ALL YOU. He can change nappies, and bounce the kid when he won't settle, and even learn to swaddle him and put him down for sleeps... But only you can BREASTfeed the kid. And this pressure should be acknowledged by the person providing the other half of the DNA. 

The support of your friends, the ones whose opinions really matter to you, also wouldn't go astray. You need your best friends to say "You're amazing, and you make all the right decisions!" whatever you decide. Whether you keep slogging away at breastfeeding, or you give your child a bottle, what needs to be reflected back from those who love you is that they know you're not a quitter, you haven't quit on your baby, their health, their future, you make a decision which protects you all - your mental health is QUITE as important as your physical health.

Finally I would say to have realistic goals. Tell yourself you'll get through today, or even the next hour. Don't stare hopelessly at your bleeding nipples and your screaming hungry newborn baby and tell yourself you have to get through another 18 months of THIS. Babies grow and change, and so does our ability to cope with what they throw at us, whether that's for better or for worse. For some women sticking with breastfeeding, making it past the six week milestone, or whenever it gets easier and they suddenly hit their groove and feel a great sense of achievement, and validation for not changing to formula. For some women choosing to stop breastfeeding gives them lightness in their step, they can finally deal with the sleepless nights and the screaming and everything, because the pressure is off. It just depends on you, which one would you be? I don't think there are really many mums who regret their decision to stop whenever they did, nor should there be, because you should be 100% invested in and supported in your wisdom about what is right for your child and what is right FOR YOU. And I think that's what the decision to stop often comes down to. Your child is going to be absolutely fine if you choose to go to formula, so they're not the problem. Are YOU going to be fine? Are YOU going to feel like a hero or a failure? And is that because of what other people think, or what you believe?

I respect that for some people the pressure that motherhood puts their mental health can create a real risk for them and their child. For some mothers this pressure is exacerbated by what feels like "life and death" pressure to provide the sole source of nourishment for their child. For some mothers not getting a full night's sleep, makes them totally and completely, even suicidally miserable. And those mothers have my deepest empathy. Some people's strong decision is to keep going, for others it's in letting go. We have all had dark days, we are all in it together. There are no medals at the end, for those of us who do it over those of us who didn't. Get the help you need to deal with your OWN feelings, don't push those feelings out into the world as a judgement of other people and whether they have it easier than you.

One FINAL final note; If you make the decision to stop breastfeeding, without a paediatrician's direct command to do so or else your child is in danger of PERISHING, don't tell anyone else they're so LUCKY that it worked for them. The numbers for how many mothers are physically incapable of breastfeeding, versus the number who formula feed, do not add up equally - many mothers who are physically capable of feeding choose not to. I happily console a woman who has no breasts, or whose breasts never produced so much as a drop of milk... I don't want to hear the story of how you gave your child a few bottles in their second week so you could get 12 hours of shut-eye and your milk MYSTERIOUSLY dried up! That is NOT a shock, or a heart-wrenching tale of struggle. 

If you haven't had your baby yet, get educated and find out exactly how to make breastfeeding a success, rather than just trusting it will all come easy. Start with the Australian Breastfeeding Association who have consultants all over Australia who will sit down and talk you through it woman-to-woman. In fact, take your husband too, so he'll know how much you're pouring into it.